Katie to Carissa

The Lack of Posting Shall Go Unexplained For Now

2010-01-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

Katie and Carissa are the reason you should have sex.

That is all.

In The Realm of Princess Katie

2009-09-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

In the realm of princess Katie, bloggers are not persecuted for being procrastinators and not updating, so there's really no need for me to apologize.

Anywho, classes have started back up, so Katie and Carissa have had just as much free time as usual on their hands, but can now say they're really busy. All the time. Still, they make a special effort to keep up communication, even though the distance between them makes this very difficult.

Just the other evening, a fun topic was addressed (Note: if you get at all queasy at the mention of bodily functions, please continue reading. Nausea is for the weak! NO PAIN, NO GAIN.):

Katie: Are you kidding me? All girls ONLY have hypothetical pee, we aren't gross like boys.

Carissa: Health Class According to Katie. Damn, I wish they had offered that in high school.

Back story: Katie claims girls don't pee, poop, or fart. Maybe some other things, too, but those are the main ones. Carissa thinks more-than-sometimes, Katie is crazy.

Carissa: You joke about being a princess, but I really want it to happen, just so an entire realm is brought up by your laws.

You see, Katie often pronounces herself a princess, not because she wants the attention, but because she wants people to obey her. It's not a bad tactic. I mean, "How did the nobles first become noble? They took it!" (Name that movie.) I, for one, admire her for this. Carissa obviously does, too, if only to encourage Katie enough to make it actually happen, so that she can then meticulously take notes on the calamity and finally write that bestseller she's always wanted to.

Katie: But with royalty comes responsibility, like not bursting out into Backstreet Boys songs.

A good point, and it shows that Katie's head is in the right place, that she could actually be a responsible monarch. She wouldn't completely eschew culture, but she would certainly keep a sense of decorum around the castle.

Unlike King Henry. Hard-to-please, sex-hungry, opera-singing bastard.

The Beginning (Or, Tuesday September 1st)

2009-09-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

It began at 9:47pm, which, coincidentally, was the same time that Katie began to realize she probably should start working on an outline that was due the next morning.

Katie: your kids are going to be so fat it will be like you have 3 of them.

A little background: Carissa had been pondering how exactly one has 2.4 (or some other such ludicrous number of) children. She had briefly explained her theory on the subject to Katie, but realize further clarification was needed:

Carissa: 2.8, not 3.

Here's the breakdown:
Even numbers (aka 1 or 2 or 3 and so on) of children are really skinny children. Any fractions of children after that are somehow translated into the body weight of the amount of children. Example: If you are going to have 2.4 children, you have two children who each have 20% more body fat than "really skinny". Which I guess probably isn't unhealthy. 2.8 children, however, means that each of them have 40% extra body fat. No good.

Granted, Katie and Carissa have never, and are never going to claim their ideas are at all logical, fact-based, or of this world or any other. So actual mathematical equations and correct terminology are out of the question. Sorry.

A little later on:

Carissa: I feel like kids that eat glue would never be fat. In fact, I think they would actually end up with superpowers. I mean, that's what happened with me.

Katie: i feel like your kids would be super fat since they eat glue because all that cake will literally stick to them. stomach lined with glue filled with cake equals fat ass.

Carissa: Don't you go doing math on me, little missy! You know I can't keep up when you do that.

Anyway, ew, gross.
Except, technically: Stomach lined with glue filled with cake would equal fat stomach, unless YOUR kids are born with some weird disease where their stomachs are located in their asses. Which means they would in turn poop out of their bellybuttons. My kids may be fat, but I bet you'll have more fun with your stomach-diapers.

Katie: belly button poo is valuable like unicorn semen so ill be selling jars of it for 30 bucks a piece.

Allow me to digress for a moment, because it's not often that unicorn semen is mentioned in a scholarly context such as this. So here's the backstory:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=200366238168

Yeah, when I say I'm going to give you a backstory, I'll more often than not post a link. Because, really, I'm lazy.

The conversation obviously continued on (because this Banter is very much akin to The Song That Never Ends), but definitely did not only ever reference overweight children, causes of such, and unicorn semen.

But that's for another day, good readers!

Per Katie's request, a word-of-the-day (because neither of them are literate, but are trying their hardest to change that!): Mongoose (hunted or otherwise)

Did I say I would provide a definition? No! Who do you think I am? WHO? Webster? Hell, naw.

It Began One Night

2009-09-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Katie and Carissa were relaxing in their living room one night, each on one of the two couches in the room (because they live a life of luxury some can only dream of), when their boredom seemed to reach a level neither had ever experienced (surprising, I know) and frankly, something had to be done.

And so they began a monumental back-and-forth banter, the likes of which had heretofore not been achieved by either of them, with anyone else, in any other setting.

Sure, interesting banter very often has been established between two, three, or four (or even more!) individuals, but there was a definite difference in this banter. The unique quality of it has finally been identified (thanks to a staff of 62 hard-working, underpaid biologists, local university chemistry majors and minors, urologists, and scientologists), and we can safely narrow the cause of the pure awesome-ness down to a few key details.

1. The banter (though it could stand on its own) is not self-reliant! By that, I mean that responses do not have to in any way answer, reference, or even be in the same language as the previous post. Banter frequently references both electronic and real-life conversation, INTERCHANGEABLY!

2. I, as the author and recorder of the text in this blog, feel my words cannot accurately describe the second and last key detail in a voice the masses will recognize and love, so I call upon my good friend (by that, I mean we've met twice) Justin to explain:

"Carissa and Katie, to me, are like one entity. One unstoppable ball of madness and hilarity. And love, too, sorta, underneath it all."

There you are, folks.

In case I wasn't clear (which I'm pretty sure I was not), this blog has been started in order to record specific pieces (or wholes, maybe) of the Banter of Katie to Carissa (and vice versa), for your enjoyment. In case you missed them in their original form.

And also so that I have the great pleasure of taking pieces out of context and making them even funnier! Hooray!